you know, sometimes, what's good for you, isn't. i've taken to art classes recently, and have been facing really strong objections. parents and all. they say it isn't practical. they say it's a distant dream. they say it's a phase that i'll grow out of. they say this art thing is just something gone wrong. why not get a good job by studying hard? like a lawyer, or businessman? i've thought about this before too. i could excel in studies, get a phD, and get a high paying job that i hate. start a family and live off my fortune. f*ck that. sod it all. this petty little misconception of a seemingly perfect future etches itself in our minds ever so frequently. but, with all that money, living a life you hate, would that make you truly happy?

we know we're all destined for greatness. or somehow we think we know.

but how often do we realise that greatness itself does not come from living the day as it is. but instead greatness does not just find you. a life which you probably will hate is not a life worth living.

you know, i had an interesting conversation with my brother a few weeks ago.

"eh kor, i like my life now."

"huh?"

"like after school, always go out with friends, laughing and all. i love it"

"know what? i'd hate to live like that."

seriously. not that i hate friends or anything, but in my mind, the perfect life i would live would be secluded from everything else. imagine endless green fields and lying there all day just thinking about life. god, that is what i need right now. i wanna lie on a sunset beach with nothing but the waves serenading me while i drift off into an endless paradise. then i will roam free. people often tell us to persue happiness. but who on earth can truly say "i've lived a happy life"?

not that i'm complaining. but lamenting would seem to be a more ideal replacement.

but then, back to normal life, cross country is tomorrow.

i mean, honestly,

who gives a fck?

yea. sod life and all its wonders.

long live life my ass.

lifesodding goes on.

tu entends la musique?

gawd. sod this. sod the mundane. i mean, i want to live. skydive one day, scuba dive the next. i want to live. ever watched the shit churn when you flush your toilet bowl? yeah. that pretty much feels like watching my like. heh. shit churn. what am i thinking. but then there are the people who really keep you watching the shit. there are people that really love you for who you are, who really care for you. they are the interesting bits of poo poo. the rest is ordinary, mundane, (sometimes) shitty, shit.

note to self: last para left bad taste in mouth. will not say shit too many times in future. and i'm glad that i'm lining down the depressing "Hamamatsu Disappointment". kinda sounds like some disaster like Bloody Sunday, or World War II, or Physics Lessons with 3impasto's favourite co-form. strange, but come to think of it, during history, i didn't so much as even wince when we were told about World War, or the jap occ. seriously. something is wrong with me. i should be wincing. it's human to wince when someone else goes through torture. isn't it? i'm not that sure. humanity can't be defined in that little moment of pity, or sometimes empathy. but the pokerface maybe shows how we treat life today. y'know, a few years ago, i still could see children swinging around and making a total fool of themselves in public. i haven't seen one in 5 months. maybe we are losing emotion. maybe humanity is burying true feelings under a thick facade of personalities we want people to see. gah. but we don't care, do we? we don't care. we don't give a crap to whether we are losing emotions or not. know why?

because it's cool.

oh. and i was like, harassed. was swimming yesterday. then went to the changing room to change. (a-duh) then this guy (really old, balding guy.) was like. checking me out. i kid you not, it is seriously freaky. gawd, it was inappropriate and yet strangely flattering at the same time. i mean, you know why it's inappropriate. (see a counseller if you don't) but it's kinda... weird in a flattering way? i mean.

at least. i know people check me out, right? and it was a guy. ugh. wait. okay. maybe not THAT flattering. wait. i take that back. it was weird. not flattering. weird.

shit. dinner's getting cold on the table. and i can hear my bro snoring away on the sofa. he was watching an action movie. who the *beep* falls asleep during a friggin action movie?!

i think. i'm going to get a haircut. so. to compensate for the absence of yesterday's post. i shall talk about haircuts. i mean. haircuts are a big deal. its the thing that frames your face. its like. on the top of your friggin head. at least if you have like, chest hair, you can hide it in a shirt or something. but how do you hide a bad haircut? you don't. you style it, then say "it's the new thing". yeah. do that, and risk being an idiot. but influencial people do it too. how do you think the beehive thing got so famous in the past? but we all want a good haircut. i mean. like posh beckham. coll bob. i remember everyone started imitating her. i admit. that bob is pretty cool. but then she got a haircut. behold. there's also the good. and the i-stuck-my-head-in-the-hairdryer. heidi klum, that was. hair DOES make a difference. take for instance, a guy now. chad michael murray. on one tree hill. (courtesy of gofugyourself.com) anyway. chad michael once had long hair. yea. and a haystack. and a gay partner. kidding. he's straight. haha. but the point is. haircuts are important. now, i'm going to get mine. i REALLY REALLY hope my barber gets it right. oh God please.

pre-haircut.
life goes on.

c'est la vie.

guess what? they cancelled the exchange programme to hamamatsu.

the 60+ days of waiting. and the countless sleepless nights of excitement and rehearsals has just been cancelled due to swine flu. no i'm not complaining. i'm. just. saying.

no i'm not sad. i'm. just. suicidal.

the day drags on. the penknife beckons. and my bloodstained wrist is an awaiting reality.

life drags on. someone dies and yet the birds still chirp, the day still brightens and all is well.

someone is battling cancer in a hospital right now and it's interesting to think that there also is an overweight mother of 3 fussing over a chocolate sundae, a teenage lady deciding on which pair of shoes to buy, a classmate of mine playing restaurant city while a couple makes love. what a wonderful world.

despair is a funny feeling.

but then again. one can't stay sad forever.

this time. i really know what it means when i say.

heh.

life goes on.

se révéler à soi-même

wait a tick...

you mean exams aren't for failing?!

life goes on.